The French Saga: Learning to Walk

An Encyclopaedia of the Obvious
Translated from the Latin and Updated by Ariel Ranieri

Walking

Kingdom: Walkalot
Phylum: Walker
Class: Walking 101
Order: To Go, Cheeseburger with a Side of Fries. Please.
Genus: Walkitout

Walking (from the German ‘wandern’, meaning ‘wander aimlessly on your own time, I’m trying to get somewhere!’—usually directed at tourists in Paris): walking is something all humans over the age of two, to some extent, can normally grasp. Some people walk at a slow pace, some at a fast pace, and some at a comatose pace. These people do this on purpose to be frustrating.

Walking covers several different nuances of the same activity: one can use walking to mean simply putting one foot in front of the other, or to suggest moving via foot from one place to another, as from oen’s desk where one’s unfinished paper is sneering disdainfully to one’s bed, where one will move at the pace of comatose walkers for the next several hours.

In the second case, that of covering distance, there are often moments where many people are trying to walk in a very small space. This often results in people coming to a complete stop, people doing the dance of ‘Where Are You Going’ and other awkward situations. Thus, here are some rules for streetwalking (in the quotidian, platonic sense of the word) in the city:

1) There are certain people you may never plow over while walking. These include the blind, the differently-abled, the elderly, the pregnant, and the petite: children and mothers pushing strollers have right of way, even if the stroller is OBNOXIOUSLY large and carries OBNOXIOUSLY more children than that mother is really entitled.

2) There are certain people you may always plow through while walking. These include all except the above categories in situations such as (but certainly not limited to): someone is not paying attention and is about to walk into you, someone is purposely blocking your path, someone is inadvertently blocking your path, a group of three or more individuals is walking toward you and refuses to make room for you (HOWEVER note in this case that if you are also a group of three or more individuals and both groups do choose to plow through each other, both groups MUST whirl round angrily, start snapping, and go into a crazy dance number. You will hereafter be known as the Sharks and the Jets). If you are less than three people and you choose to plow through, be aware that the author of this encyclopedia is in no way responsible for wounds incurred or egos wounded, and accepts no responsibility for pickpocketed accoutrements.

In conclusion walking is necessary and often cumbersome; thus you should avoid it as much as possible. As a matter of fact, exiting your house is probably inadvisable in this day and age. You might get the grippe.