The French Saga: Where Has My Sanity Gone?

An Encyclopaedia of the Obvious

Translated from the Latin and Updated by Ariel Ranieri

Clothes

Kingdom: Clothalia

Phylum: Clothata

Class: Sewnalia

Order: Weartia

Genus: Clothus

Clothes (from the Latin "toga", "large billowing bedsheet wrapped around the body, most commonly worn by college boys") are the traditional method of dressing the human body. The singular form of the word, "cloth", can mean material used to fabricate the clothing (the other singular form of the word) or it can mean a ragged piece of material used to clean the extensive mess humans make in their daily lives.

Clothes reproduce neither asexually nor sexually, as they are in most cases mass-produced by underpaid children in developing countries.

Recent studies suggest that part of why certain humans dress so badly is that the clothes, having no means of communication, cannot express their extreme displeasure in being so horrendously displayed. Further studies are being conducted and communicative clothing may arrive soon in our future. It will probably have the voice and personality of Martha Stewart.

Overall, clothes are an integral part of the human experience. Humans love clothes and spend very much money on them, not a cent of which the underpaid children in developing countries will ever see. This is per the human kick-them-while-they're-down philosophy. To date, there is no historical or logical reason to believe this philosophy will change.

Certain humans have a keen sense of fashion. These humans are called fashion designers. The best of the best of these designers have a very small clientele and thus, not mass-producing anything, have no use for the underpaid children in developing countries. They charge exorbitant prices for their artwork. This price includes the piece, the name, and the ego, hence the large price. Many twice-baked women enjoy these pieces and twice-baked men are getting into them as well. Many other people also like them but haven't the money for the name or the ego.

There are certain occasions when people take their clothes off. These include sexual intercourse, daily hygiene, and airport security. On most occasions, however, humans keep their clothes on. This suggests an insecure attachment to the mother's womb: the human wishes to be enveloped in something at all times, even when the weather suggests this is a bad idea.

There are certain types of people who enjoy watching others take their clothes off. These include porn addicts, sex addicts, moviegoers, and airport personnel.

If ever you find yourself without clothes, simply pick a large quantity of long-stemmed weeds and weave them into a garment. Or, if you have a towel, wrap it around yourself. You may also use a bedsheet, although this has rather fallen out of style. In an attempt to revive the toga, try sporting the fitted sheet in place of the flat one.